Rider and elephant.

Picture a small rider on a big elephant. The rider plans ahead. The strong, quick elephant carries feelings and does what it has learned.

Jonathan Haidt, a psychologist, came up with this picture. It helps us think about choices. It doesn’t show how a real brain works.

Picture: A big, calm elephant stands on the grass, with a path running on toward low hills. A small rider sits on its neck, one hand on its head, looking ahead. The labels say Rider and Elephant.

Strong and quick.

Klara doesn’t think about her feet anymore. Practice trained her elephant, and now it does the dribbling.

The elephant pulls your hand back from a hot pan before you think. It can feel that something is off before you know why.

Picture: Klara dribbles her ball with her eyes up, and an elephant walks right behind her. Further along stand a stove with a hot pan and a wobbly plank over a stream. The labels say Trained feet, Hot pan and Uneasy feeling.

Slow and careful.

The rider is good at things that take time. It plans and imagines what might happen.

Rio’s rider pictured the rest of the hike with too little water. So Rio and his dad turned back. Next time, his rider planned water for there and back.

Picture: The trail map from Rio’s hike. A dotted line runs on to the lake and ends at an empty bottle: Rest of the trail. Another dotted line turns back: Way back. Below, Rio and his dad stand beside the elephant and its rider, with a card that says Water both ways.

Now or later.

The rider can also tell what matters now and what can wait.

Everyone is waiting in the car, and your zip is stuck. Your elephant wants to keep tugging until it works. Your rider sees that the zip can wait. You fix it in the car.

Picture: A family waits in a car with its back door open. The elephant and its rider walk up to the door. On the ground beside them lies a jacket with its zip stuck halfway. The labels say Waiting family and Stuck zip.

Pulling the reins.

At the park, a friend keeps changing the rules. Your elephant wants to yell. Your rider pulls the reins, and you keep quiet.

That works for a moment. But the elephant is much bigger than the rider, and soon it pulls again.

Picture: A park with a chalk game on the path. A friend with a ball has drawn a new yellow line across the old game: New rule. The elephant stands close by, and the rider on its neck holds the reins.

Easier paths.

People with good self-control tend not to fight their elephant much. They train it, and they give it easier paths.

You step away for a breath, then say calmly what feels unfair. Or you all agree on the rules first.

Picture: The same park. A short path leads away from the chalk game to a tree, where the elephant stands calm and the rider’s hand rests on its head: A breath first. Back at the game, the friend waits with the ball: Rules agreed.

One team.

Neither one is the real you. The rider isn’t the boss, and the elephant isn’t the problem. Both are you, and they travel best together.

“We are the rider, and we are the elephant,” writes Jonathan Haidt.

Picture: The elephant and its rider walk together up a gentle rise toward a bench and a tree, with their footprints on the path behind them.

For older readers · optional

Reasons afterwards.

Sometimes the elephant decides first. Then the rider finds a reason and believes it.

A new food looks odd, and you push it away. When someone asks why, your rider says you aren’t hungry.

Picture: A plate with an odd new food sits on a low table behind the elephant. Up on its neck, the rider gives a reason: Not hungry.

Elephant or rider.

Each partner is strong in its own way.

Some moments need the elephant, and some need the rider.

The six moments, and the partner each one needs:

Elephant · Strong and quick

• Mad at the tower. The elephant feels the anger first, fast and strong.
• Sad after losing. The elephant feels the sting before any thought.
• Catching a ball. Practice trained the elephant, so the catch just happens.

Rider · Slow and careful

• Planning a birthday. The rider pictures the day and who will come.
• Saving for a bike. The rider can wait now for a bike later.
• Solving a puzzle. The rider tries one idea, then another.

Together, the two cover both kinds of strength.

Picture: The elephant and its rider stand above a sorting board. Six moment cards wait in the middle, with the elephant’s side on the left and the rider’s side on the right.

Three ideas to keep.

Picture: The elephant and its rider on an open path, small in a wide landscape of low hills.

• Two parts, one team. You are the rider and the elephant, working together.
• A learning elephant. The elephant learns from what you do again and again.
• Training and easy paths. Training the elephant and choosing easy paths tend to work better than pulling the reins.

Coming next.

The elephant loves paths it already knows. Those paths are habits, and they come next.

Picture: The elephant and its rider walk along a well-worn trail, full of the elephant’s footprints from walking it many times.